What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 06:13
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One cannot live in the past .
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
How is sex with a woman for gay men?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I waited trembling.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But, we were locked up after school.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I said to her
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were not on the streets..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was scared of men, in general
Thats was my nicest nick name for him